So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
