There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
