We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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