we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Randomize
