I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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