i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
this just has baby written all over it
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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