I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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