Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
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my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
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Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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