Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
