I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
