I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Your tits are I can't wait for
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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