Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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