I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
