So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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