I like to think it a success when the cops are called
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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