every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
