apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Randomize
