i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
