if i can run in heels then i can drive
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
