your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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