My sheets look like a crime scene.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
