God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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