So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
