I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
