woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
