I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
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Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
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My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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