i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
