i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
