Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
