He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
