he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
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Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
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I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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