GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
