What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just cut my nipple shaving
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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