my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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