im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i love accidental penises.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
