Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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