My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
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We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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