So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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