I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
