Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
