My liver just broke up with me...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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