i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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