God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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