Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
