i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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