we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
