I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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