Only a mothe r could love this liver
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
