Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
