Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
