I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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