I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
