life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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