this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
