I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
