She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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