We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Drunk is not a location!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
