I cannot find my penis.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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