Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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