I murdered the dance floor call the cops
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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