dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
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Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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